Monday, May 30, 2005
I dined out with a three-year-old recently. I mention this because he was praised lavishly by his mum and all present for eating so well. Disappointingly, nobody at all congratulated me on how heartily I'd eaten.
I discovered today that my flabby body is not caused by my over-indulgence in the sweeter and creamier food groups or my reluctance to exercise. It is, in fact, the result of yang deficiency. I have this on the excellent authority of an acupuncturist who then proceeded to flog me $30 worth of tiny pills to correct this terrible imbalance. "Take 16 of these twice a day" "32 pills a day? You're kidding, right?" But I could see from her face that she wasn't. In retrospect I can't believe that I coughed up. I hadn't even gone to see her about losing weight and I just know that the tablets are gonna end up gathering dust at the back of the bathroom cabinet. I can't look a slice of toast in the eye before mid-morning so for sure I'm not going to be knocking back 16 pills at dawn.
A day of discovery all round really because I also found out that my current specs are old-fashioned.(That's spectacles not specifications.. though come to think of it...) Until today I was blissfully unaware that glasses had status to the fashion conscious. My local optician soon put me right. "You've had those for FOUR years? Well they must have been quite a fashion statement at the time but now we have moved away from that..er.. style. Try these square frames in a nice warm burgundy." I didn't like to tell him that I was only getting new ones because my precision screwdriver was confiscated at the airport last month and if I don't tighten them up every two days the glass falls out. So not only was my plan to hijack the plane thwarted but I've had to get new specs as well. I did try getting a new screwdriver but it was never the same somehow. I should have realized that the day probably wasn't going to go according to plan when I managed to drop my watch in a mug of tea before even getting out of bed.
Current weight: 78 kg.
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I discovered today that my flabby body is not caused by my over-indulgence in the sweeter and creamier food groups or my reluctance to exercise. It is, in fact, the result of yang deficiency. I have this on the excellent authority of an acupuncturist who then proceeded to flog me $30 worth of tiny pills to correct this terrible imbalance. "Take 16 of these twice a day" "32 pills a day? You're kidding, right?" But I could see from her face that she wasn't. In retrospect I can't believe that I coughed up. I hadn't even gone to see her about losing weight and I just know that the tablets are gonna end up gathering dust at the back of the bathroom cabinet. I can't look a slice of toast in the eye before mid-morning so for sure I'm not going to be knocking back 16 pills at dawn.
A day of discovery all round really because I also found out that my current specs are old-fashioned.(That's spectacles not specifications.. though come to think of it...) Until today I was blissfully unaware that glasses had status to the fashion conscious. My local optician soon put me right. "You've had those for FOUR years? Well they must have been quite a fashion statement at the time but now we have moved away from that..er.. style. Try these square frames in a nice warm burgundy." I didn't like to tell him that I was only getting new ones because my precision screwdriver was confiscated at the airport last month and if I don't tighten them up every two days the glass falls out. So not only was my plan to hijack the plane thwarted but I've had to get new specs as well. I did try getting a new screwdriver but it was never the same somehow. I should have realized that the day probably wasn't going to go according to plan when I managed to drop my watch in a mug of tea before even getting out of bed.
Current weight: 78 kg.
Sunday, May 22, 2005
The smart house has undergone a lobotomy. It will now let us in without any difficulty at all. The problem is that it will also let anybody else in. It's gone from being the most secure house in the neighbourhood to one that your granny could break into with a soggy digestive. (Hmm, soggy digestive...) In fact, if anyone even walks past the house the shed door unlocks itself and obligingly starts a light flashing in the garden to advertise the fact. I can't help feeling that this probably invalidates any insurance we may have too. The guy who was supposed to come and fix it said that he didn't work for that company any more and that he was flying to Melbourne tomorrow and that anyway he was washing his hair and far too busy but that he would find someone else and call us back. Guess what? (and I know this'll shock you).. it's been a week now and he hasn't called back. In fact, I'm beginning to think that he may not call at all and that we will have to move to plan B. Plan B involves buying a new front door. This is a complicated procedure requiring advanced measuring skills and decisive action therefore it has been put in the 'too hard' basket until I have more time.
Has all this worry resulted in any weight loss? Nah. Current weight: 78.2 kg
On the brighter side, the new Dr Who series started here on Saturday, Star Wars III is scheduled for the coming week and (at last) they have got round to putting Star Trek Enterprise onto DVD. May the force be with you.
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Has all this worry resulted in any weight loss? Nah. Current weight: 78.2 kg
On the brighter side, the new Dr Who series started here on Saturday, Star Wars III is scheduled for the coming week and (at last) they have got round to putting Star Trek Enterprise onto DVD. May the force be with you.
Thursday, May 12, 2005
Quote of the Day: They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen fatty....do it and die."
Back in the old routine. Holiday over. It doesn't take long till you feel like you've never been away, does it? Getting the new house sorted is the main priority but the house isn't making things easy. Today it wouldn't let me in. That's the trouble with smart houses, if they take umbrage, you're stuffed. We don't have a front door key, just a swipe card. But what do you do if you swipe and nothing happens? I made a highly suspicious entry, triggering alarms left, right and centre but at least I got in. I'm now contemplating reprogramming the system, y'know, like Dave did to HAL in 2001. Off to Bunnings to buy an axe...
Current weight: 78.2 kg
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Back in the old routine. Holiday over. It doesn't take long till you feel like you've never been away, does it? Getting the new house sorted is the main priority but the house isn't making things easy. Today it wouldn't let me in. That's the trouble with smart houses, if they take umbrage, you're stuffed. We don't have a front door key, just a swipe card. But what do you do if you swipe and nothing happens? I made a highly suspicious entry, triggering alarms left, right and centre but at least I got in. I'm now contemplating reprogramming the system, y'know, like Dave did to HAL in 2001. Off to Bunnings to buy an axe...
Current weight: 78.2 kg
Monday, May 02, 2005
Ladies - Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone
to prevent ice cream drips.
Real Women - Just suck the ice-cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on your ass on the couch, with your feet up anyway.
Back to reality then. Forget about my Mum's flapjacks. Forget about lying on a sun drenched beach in Mauritius. Forget about the delights of French-Cajun cuisine. It was nice while it lasted but has resulted in me GAINING half a kilo a week for the last month. Back on the diet methinks.
Current weight: 78.2 kg
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to prevent ice cream drips.
Real Women - Just suck the ice-cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on your ass on the couch, with your feet up anyway.
Back to reality then. Forget about my Mum's flapjacks. Forget about lying on a sun drenched beach in Mauritius. Forget about the delights of French-Cajun cuisine. It was nice while it lasted but has resulted in me GAINING half a kilo a week for the last month. Back on the diet methinks.
Current weight: 78.2 kg
